The diary of Severus Snape
by foreverstory
Summary: Severus Snape rarely touches his diary, but when he does, he tells it his most intimate, sometimes even treacherous thoughts…
1. 9th January 1971

9th January 1971

Lily actually remembered my birthday! We were sitting by the merry-go-round where I told her about Hogsmeade (where I've never been, but mother tells me about it when she's in a good mood). She listened to me with such interest and delight, especially when I told her about Honeydukes and the endless shelves and types of candy they have that I sorely wished I had more exciting stories to tell her.

Anyways, she suddenly grabbed my hand and took me to that muggle shop down the corner and bought me this- this notebook, as it's called, and then took a little bag of cookies from her pocket, and gave it to me as well, saying in her gentle, soft voice, "Happy birthday, Severus! I made them myself". The cookies felt warm in my hands, and they looked like the most perfect cookies I have ever seen. I have hidden them under my bed and will eat them when mother decides to lock me in my room again.

And this book itself, I can still smell her scent on it- She only held it for a few minutes as we walked back to the playground, but when I put my face near its pages I know it's definitely got her smell. I will take care of it.

I hear father yelling again. His footsteps are coming up to my room- I must stop before he finds this.


	2. 31st July 1971

**A/N **3 Aug 07- Found out Snape's birthday is 9jan so I was nitpicky and changed things a bit; added in this entry

31th July 1971

My Hogwarts letter has arrived, at last! Went by Lily's house, she's got her letter too, this must be one of the happiest days of my life! And mother says she's proud of me, and she'll take me shopping in _Diagon Alley_ but she doesn't want father to find out so I'll have to keep it a secret.


	3. 16th August 1971

16th August 1971

Barely 2 weeks to Hogwarts! Today I saw an owl headed to Lily's house. Thought the Headmaster or whoever had sent her a letter might have used words she didn't understand, being a Muggle born, so I went over to see if I could help (really, that's all I wanted to do!)

Well, the owl dropped the letter on the Evans' front door step, and I couldn't help taking a peak at it. Imagine my surprise when I saw the name _Petunia Evans_ instead of Lily's! Maybe there'd been some sort of mistake and Lily's sister was going to Hogwarts after all… But I seriously doubted it; that useless Petunia shows as much magical talent as a _twig_! So I opened the letter to see what it was about. And then Lily opened the door and saw me there with that letter, her eyes widened and she pushed me behind a bush and asked me _what_ I was doing. But she didn't stop me opening the letter because she didn't know what it was, so I took it out and read it to her. It was from Dumbledore, and was quite funny.

"My dearest Petunia- it was with much surprise and interest that I read your letter yesterday; I must congratulate you on your wondrous way of getting it here to me!" Trust Dumbledore to be horribly nice in his refusal. "…I regret, though, to inform you that Hogwarts is a school meant only for young witches and wizards, that is to say, children with magical skills. Such skills have, as yet, not been detected on you and it is therefore beyond my ability to offer you a place here for this academic year…"

Lily, however, did not seem so very impressed. She snatched the letter from my hands, calling me a busy-body, carefully resealed the envelope and rushed home looking quite worried. I saw her quietly place the letter back on the doorstep and secretly sneak into the house.

Petunia's in for a rather unpleasant surprise, but who cares? She's just a silly, common muggle. I am surprised she and Lily are sisters! Lily's not a bit like her, and in just two weeks, we'll be off to Hogwarts together…!


	4. 1st September 1971

1st September 1971

Hogwarts, at last! I am now in my dormitory, with the other first years in the house that I knew I'd be in, the house for wizards of the purest, noblest wizarding descent: _Slytherin!_ Something strange happened when Professor McGonagall put the hat on my head- it said I might belong in Gryffindor- but I hurriedly tried to put that idea out of its head- or mine, ha ha. The hat said it was my choice, so I told it Slytherin, and here I am! What a disgrace to be in Gryffindor, where dwell brawny, brainless scum like that Potter boy I met on the train yesterday. Potter is a spoilt brat. We have barely talked, but I know we will not be friends. The sight of him annoys me.

The school castle was even grander than I'd ever imagined it to be- after Lily and I and everyone else got off the Hogwarts Express, we saw a huge giant of a man standing on the platform waiting for all the first-years. Something of an oaf, that man is. He is the Hogwarts gamekeeper and I think his name is Hagrid, Rubus (or something) Hagrid. Lily thinks he's nice so I won't tell her how his coat smelt like rotten egg when I walked behind him to breakfast this morning.

Hagrid guided us, four-by-four, into boats that set off all together towards the castle. Lily and I were both jittery with excitement, though mine was slightly dampened by the fact that somehow we had to get into the same boat as that Potter and his new friend Black. I actually heard that the Blacks had all been Slytherin so I thought he'd be pleasant at least, but it turns out this one, Sirius Black, is just as bad as Potter. Arrogant, brawny, and downright stupid. The two of them sniggered as they watched us clamber into the boat. Potter greeted me with a loud "Hello, Snivellus!", and then he and Black started giggling all over again. Lily rolled her eyes and told me to ignore them, so we both turned our backs to face the front and watched in wonder as the castle slowly came into view. Did you know, the castle's over a thousand years old!

And then we had to assemble in the front of the Great Hall to be sorted into our houses. Before we did the Sorting Hat sang a Hogwarts song that made us all laugh, but I still felt very jittery. When Lily was called (we went in alphabetical order) I tried to wink at her, but she was probably too nervous to notice. I really hoped she'd be sorted into Slytherin, but she ended up in Gryffindor with Black and Potter and a few other boring looking students. Maybe the Sorting Hat's biased against muggle-borns, maybe it didn't let her come to Slytherin because she's got no wizarding blood from her parents. How unfair! I hope she isn't too upset.

The banquet was amazing; I've never seen so much food in my life! And the ceiling of the Great Hall, it's bewitched to seem like the real sky outside! Last night it was raining outside, but the sky on the ceiling was clear, and I saw the stars on it twinkling brightly down at me. Lily and I kept waving and winking at each other, perhaps being in different houses won't affect our being friends after all; though I must protect her from brats like Potter.

Lessons start tomorrow, it's Potions with the Gryffindors first thing in the morning!


	5. 15th December 1971

**A/N:** As Starrylibra very helpfully pointed out James Potter could not have been Seeker in first year, furthermore with some research I found that in one interview JKR said he was a _Chaser_, not a seeker. (The snitch in OoTP was rather misleading) Being rather particular about sticking-with-facts I have changed the chapter a bit and hope it does not seem too flimsy.

15th December 1971

Just because Professor McGonagall told him that he has 'some talent for Transfiguration' that Potter has been going around boasting and transfiguring anything he sees with the limited number of spells he has in his tiny brain. This morning after Transfiguration Lily and I were walking out together when Potter appeared with Black and turned my scarf into a feathery _pink_ boa! He thought he was right cool doing that and was having a good laugh until McGonagall saw him and took five points off Gryffindor. Should have been fifty, but maybe not since Lily's in Gryffindor too. At least she hates Potter too!

While Potter is still an unbearable piece of snot, though, I have actually made more _friends _in Hogwarts! My room-mates have been very friendly to me, and Avery and Mulciber and Dolohov even save me places beside them at breakfast and dinner! They have been telling me about their pure-blood families, and the 5th year Slytherin prefect, Lucius Malfoy, has even joined our discussions a few times. He told us last week that someone called Lord Voldemort- who his, Avery's and Mulciber's parents all know and support, is recruiting people who are to graduate and fight to exterminate Mudbloods to form a pure wizarding race. Bellatrix Black, who is a third year Slytherin, was boasting that she was going to be Voldemort's greatest supporter. She is Sirius Black's cousin, but they hate each other. She says he is an utter disgrace to the family, and I am glad that there are people who, like me, think he and Potter are jerks.

Avery, Dolohov, Mulciber and I have promised Lucius to join Voldemort's side after we graduate, even if that is 6 years in the future. It is good to eliminate our pristine wizarding race of dirty blooded vermin. I told Lily a little about this, but she looked rather offended, and told me she was muggle-born too. But she is different, of course, and I told her that. She doesn't count, because _she_ is not vermin.

Christmas holidays begin next week, Lily is going home but I will be staying in Hogwarts. Looks like a lonely holiday season.


	6. 9th January 1972

9th January 1972

Winter holidays- but Lily remembered my birthday! She sent me a long letter telling me about her holidays, and a tinsel-wrapped bag of toffees via her owl Hermy (who she's named after a character in Muggle Literature). We haven't met since Christmas break began; Lily and family have moved house to somewhere rather far from here, and I am too young to Apparate…


	7. 24th March 1973

24th March 1973

Lupin is a werewolf. I saw him in the Shrieking Shack last full moon. He would have bitten and maybe even killed me had Potter suddenly appeared and pulled me back out of the tunnel out of Lupin's reach. I saw the frightened look on his usual arrogant face- he must have chickened out when he realized what Black had done. I bet he was too scared for his own skin, too scared he'd be expelled.

The nerve of Sirius Black! What a wretched piece of scum he is! He told me that if I prodded the knot on the trunk of the Whomping Willow with a long stick I'd be able to get into a tunnel and find out where Mdm Pomfrey takes Lupin every month. I seriously doubted him, but I tried anyways. The Whomping Willow actually stopped moving, and I found a tunnel near its roots. So I climbed in and crawled a bit in the dark when I saw, at the other end of a tunnel, _Lupin transforming! _And then he turned and his cold eyes fixed on me and I could almost have been killed had Potter not suddenly got cold feet and 'rescued' me as he put it. The arrogance! Apparently, he has been going around telling people about it. Yesterday when I reminded Lily what scum Potter was, she retorted that he had 'saved my life'! What utter nonsense!

Dumbledore explained everything, he made me swear not to reveal Lupin's true nature, and I can only co-operate. (_But a werewolf, in our school?_) I would like to curse Black like Avery did to that nosy MacDougall girl last week, but Lily disapproves of such magic, she says it is 'Dark magic' and she would be angry if I tried it. I shall attempt revenge in other ways; Black will not get away with this… He will not snigger quite so joyfully when I finally get to him…


	8. 14th February 1974

This chapter goes out with special thanks to emmie elizabeth, my first ever reviewer:) Thank you for your lovely feedback, I hope the rest of the story will be worth your while!

14th February 1974

Can you believe it, stinking Potter actually _asked Lily out_! The nerve of that idiot! I saw him do it, saw him stick out his red and gold _Gryffindor _bouquet right under her nose and say in a sickening, simpering, _arrogant_ voice,

"Lily Evans, will you go out with me?"

Ha! Tough luck. Lily isn't nearly half as stupid as he is. She gave him a straight refusal, and too right she was when she turned her back on him and stormed off, shouting behind her, "I'd never go out with an overinflated hair touching git like you!"

I could have laughed and ran to join her side had Avery not started sniggering behind me whispering so that only I could hear, "oooh, the mudblood's angry…"

I hate him when he says that but there's nothing I can do. The last time I tried to tell him to stop insulting Lily he sneered at me, and after I got back to the common room I found that he'd filled _every single space_ in my Potions essay with the same large red, scrawly handwriting saying, again and again, "I love Lily Evans". It wouldn't come off no matter what I did, and I didn't have time to rewrite my essay so I had to hand it in like that. The Potions teacher seemed to find it very funny to show this to the class (the _scoundrel_!) and everyone laughed at me except Lily who hid her face behind her potions book. After class Mary Macdonald came up to me and my circle of friends and stuck her fat finger in my chest and told me I shouldn't even think of getting near Lily because I was a 'stinking, slimy Slytherin'. (What rubbish! She should think about herself first, the filthy mudblood). Before I knew it, Mulciber had put some sort of curse on her and she started sprouting_ thick_ _green hair from her nose! _It grew out and started wrapping itself around her like a little snake and when the Potions master came out from the dungeon behind us the look on his face told us it was big trouble. Mary got sent to the hospital wing where she stayed for a whole week, and we all got detention. I have to admit, though, the look of sheer _terror_ on Mary's face was sort of funny. My friend gave her what she deserved. But that can't happen again, because if it does Lily'll never talk to me again.

That Potter seems to enjoy asking me in his spoilt, haughty voice, "_Oooh, Snivellus, are you going out with Evans already?" _He thinks he's such a wonderful, remarkable genius who's a Quidditch star as well and that just because _he_ fancies Lily she'll go out with him. But she knows he's just a smelly piece of walking snot. Lily will never, ever choose an idiot like that James Potter. She's much too good for him. And maybe, for me too…


	9. 19th January 1975

19th January 1975

News from home; Father is terribly ill and has been admitted to some Muggle hospital. Mother sent an owl this morning requesting me to go visit him, and I will go this Saturday though frankly I don't give a damn whether he dies or not. Neither do I understand why Mother still continues to hang around him when we both _know_ that all his Muggle mind is capable of thinking about is booze and beatings. Mulciber, who despises muggles more than any of us, says I should kill him to end Mother's unfair suffering. A tempting notion, but I will not let him dirty my hands, not when he has already dirtied my wizard blood, polluted it with his dirty muggle mud. No, he will suffer a slow, painful, commonplace muggle death, and I will watch him rot away until there is nothing of him left. And then I will laugh, for he has finally gotten what he deserves.


	10. 29th January 1975

29th January 1975

Father has died. Dumbledore came into Charms and called me out this morning. I knew what he was going to say, and I didn't care. Seriously, the old man seemed to be more upset than I was. He looked so grim when his eyes stared into mine;

"Severus, I am very sorry to inform you that your father has died. I am sure you are very upset-" (though from the way he was looking at me I was almost sure he could tell that I _wasn't_.) "Would you like the rest of the week off, to spend time with your mother?"

I was sure he would find it strange if I refused, so I obliged, and I'm to be sent home tomorrow.

Tomorrow- Lily's birthday! Dumbledore must have mentioned father to the class after I went to pack my things; when I saw her in the Great Hall that evening she came up to me looking very solemn, and told me she was very sorry about my loss. (_some loss!) _She asked me if there was anything she could do so I told her that she could spend the morning with me before I left for home. Somehow, there was reluctance in her voice when she obliged, but she has agreed to all the same… And I will finally be able to spend time with her alone, it's been so long… I will make her birthday a special one for her, I will show her the new spells Mulciber has taught me, I will show her the power it has given me, the power that I will willingly share with her…

And as for father, he is finally out of my life. I treated the gang to butterbeers; we rejoice.


	11. 27th May 1975

27th May 1975

Damn it. DAMN IT. I hate myself.

I don't know exactly how it happened- it was after today's Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L- I was looking through my paper, _not bothering anyone_ when those rascals Black and Potter came and started goading me with their idiotic remarks, as if they were really the big shots they are so stupid to think they are. What happened next was blurry- I don't care to remember anyways- but before I knew it they had me hanging upside down in the air, laughing and telling people to '_Come look_!' as if _I_ was a part of their absurd little circus. And then I saw Avery and Mulciber in the crowd, grinning, laughing, leering at me… My _friends_ who didn't even bat a single, caring eyelid at my predicament. I was so angry, so humiliated that when Lily came to help me, (to _help_ me!) I lost it, I called _her_ a Mudblood. And then she looked at me with so much anger, so much hurt in her eyes that I knew at once that I'd screwed it, and stormed off…

Avery and Mulciber are now joking about my- as they call it- _episode _today, saying it was about time I 'showed the little Mudblood what she's worth' but honestly I don't know what got into me. I really don't know. She's not a Mudblood, even if her parents are muggles she's the loveliest, purest witch I have ever known. I have to find her, have to tell her that. What if she never forgives me, never talks to me again? I wish I could take it all back.

I really hate myself.

**A/N: **Sorry for a rather lousy chapter, I'm moving house at the moment and my copy of OotP is stuck in my old house which is in another country so I'm a little short on references, so if there are inaccuracies or any points of dissatisfaction please do tell me! Thank you!

And once again, a very big thank you to all my wonderful reviewers, I appreciate your feedback very much!


	12. 2nd June 1975

2nd June 1975

Lily is still not talking to me. That night last week I sat myself outside the Gryffindor common room, ignoring Potter and Black who pretended to trip over me, ignoring Lupin who, sporting his silly _Prefect _badge, threatened to take 5 points off Slytherin. I didn't care if he took a hundred, I just needed to see Lily.

But when she came out, she was not forgiving. She did not smile, did not talk in her usual excited tone... she was unwelcoming, hostile- because she **does not understand**. She calls Avery and Mulciber my '_precious little Death Eater friends'_, as if _I _am just another one of them, just another Mudblood hater. She thinks all I want to do is join Voldemort to perform Dark Magic, to kill people. But why can't she understand that it's all for her? With that power, we can reach new heights, we can do things that we cannot do now. We can show _Potter _who we both can't stand that he'd do better to stay away from us. Why can't she understand that I care about her? Doesn't she know how much she means to me, how much I want to help her, to protect her?

No, she doesn't. "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine". She doesn't want me anymore.


	13. 9th January 1976

A/N Sorry for not updating for so long! Have still been busy with moving and stuff... But I should have more time to update now because I've got half a year off school So I'll do the next chapter right after this. As ever, thank you so much to all the wonderful people who reviewed my work and more reviews will be very appreciated!

9th January 1976

Nothing in the mail today. Looks like she does not care.

Lily was right when she decided to stop talking, to stop sending letters; we are too different to be friends.

Too bad. She can go jump in the Lake, for all I care.

Meanwhile, I have found more interesting, worthwile pursuits; following news of Lord Voldemort. Over the past year Lord Voldemort has been actively- as Lucius Malfoy used to put it- _weeding_ the wizarding race. Of course, the Ministry and the Daily Prophet cannot keep up with his activities, they are too stupid, too foolish. They are no match for Lord Voldemort, his power is too great for them.

Avery, Mulciber and I keep up a regular correspondence with Rodolphus Lestrange and Bellatrix Black- who have now both graduated and joined the ranks of the Death Eaters. As students our activities are surveyed and greatly limited by Hogwarts, Dumbledore seems to put especial interest in us, appearing suddenly in the corridors behind us, even once outide the _Slytherin common room._It is therefore with more and more urgency and anticipation that I look forward to the day when I finally graduate Hogwarts, leave that nosy old bat Dumbledore, to finally serve Lord Voldemort in his glorious mission, _my_ mission…

Now that father is dead mother too has evolved into some sort of a monster. All she does is drink, and then sleep. I am surprised, disappointed… After all that hate she said she had for my filthy, muggle father, she seems no better…


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